No mini-skirts after 30.

A little cleavage is okay- whoa, not that much.

Don’t wear heels if you’re tall.

Flats aren’t sexy.

Don’t have sex on the first date.

Don’t call him, he’ll call you.

Stop being so pushy.

Smile.

Always wear mascara.

He’s an ass-man. He’s a breast-man.

Don’t be emotional. Don’t be needy. Don’t be a nag.

Make him treat you like the princess you are.

If you lose just five pounds…

Exfoliate!

Lie about your age.

Lie about your weight.

Cover those grays!

Long hair is sexy.

Pubic hair is not.

Shave.

Wax.

Go from night to day with this must-have nail color!

Don’t be aggressive.

White teeth are sexy. Age spots are not.

Panty lines are gross.

Get a pedicure.

Cover up those flabby upper arms.

Stop being so sensitive.

Men are better drivers.

Don’t act like a man.

Tick-tock. That’s the sound of your biological clock.

Stretch-mark removal cream. Anti-wrinkle, anti-aging, anti-turkey neck, dark circles spot scar hair remover.

Come-fuck-me shoes. Booty call. Walk of shame. Hag. Witch. Bitch. Slut. Whore.

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