I was 17 when I enlisted in the army. At 20 years old, after 3 years of training, I deployed to Iraq with the 101st Airborne Division as an Arabic Cryptologic Voice Interceptor. My family saved some of the letters I wrote while I was overseas, and let me tell you – 20 year old me was naive AF. And this was in 2003 – before we were all immersed in the 24 hour global news cycle, so I was also stupid and woefully unaware of the current events in which I was participating.
Fast forward to a few months ago, I was painting my front room and attempting to make part of it into an art studio; for years my creativity felt like it was behind a wall – often inaccessible, and it felt like a part of me was missing. A pandemic and a divorce will sidetrack a lady for sure. But life changed for the better, and new people came into my life. I am in love and happy, and that art spark is sparking.
So. With my baby art spark, I decided I should definitely tackle a pile of correspondence from one of the most difficult and defining years of my life and make a fucking art project out of it.
Of course I should.
So I did it – and surprise surprise! It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Reading through a year of letters and images documenting my wartime experiences was rough. There are things I hadn’t even remembered – like getting a contractor fired for sexually harassing me- imagine how much worse everything else was for me to forget something like that – haha lol…
Anyway, what this project did do for me was remind me that I fucking sacrificed my best years to the Army, and I stopped believing in a higher power after witnessing some pretty terrible shit. And unrelated/related, I was sexually assaulted and then stalked by a fellow soldier for 2 years after I got home from a combat zone, so I was pretty fucked in the head for all of my twenties – and a pretty good chunk of my thirties too.
What it also did for me was make me angry that everything I did and witnessed and experienced was for what now? – I mean, I knew that before I guess, but the realization that this administration is trying to condition the public to see us as disposable makes the terrible things that happened to us – and the terrible things some of us had to do – even more pointless. We are useful for war, but a drain on society when we come back. I suppose it doesn’t go without saying anymore that we as a nation cannot send people to war and then throw them away when they come back all fucked up if we want to maintain an adequate fighting force.
The VA was making huge improvements in reducing veteran suicide, and increasing access to healthcare for veterans who experienced toxic exposure and other deployment-related injuries. They were caring for all of us, including women and trans veterans. And it felt so wonderful to be purposefully included. It was restorative and hopeful. The message was clear: we weren’t going to be left behind and we earned our benefits through our service the same as our male counterparts did.
Well all that’s out the fucking window. And now because of all the cuts DOGE/Musk is making, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my next mental health appointment because my provider might not have a job by then. I don’t know if someone will look at my disability payments and think, hmm that seems a little generous – you don’t need VA disability and social security. And when you add that kind of stress to people who rely on these programs to survive because they can’t function like a normal person after experiencing traumatic shit, it makes everything else (PTSD, depression, anxiety, survivor’s guilt, etc.) 100 times worse.
As the title says, I am alive because of VA services. I can function and be happy and have a stable life due to VA services and benefits. My kids are thriving because I can provide for them with my disability benefits. But everything the VA made better in the last few years is rapidly being torn apart. The message is loud and clear – we don’t matter anymore.
In short, this project reminded me that I actually sacrificed a lot for my country, and I’m so fucking angry that this administration seems hellbent on fucking ruining everything. Please call your representatives and tell them to stop dismantling the organization that is saving the lives of people who went to war for them. VA saves lives and radically improves the lives of those who were in combat and/or experienced sexual violence (frequently at the hands of their fellow service members, which adds a whole extra level of mind fuckery). The VA provides mental health services, and 24 hour crisis lines, and really good medical care, and community outreach, and housing, and stable incomes, and a sense of security that -after years of struggling with depression and suicidal ideations – allowed me to feel like maybe things were going to be ok.
…well not anymore.
fuck.
https://5calls.org/
https://www.congress.gov/most-viewed-bills
https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials
https://resist.bot/
mainstream that shit 
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